"I have survived 100% of my darkest days" – Laura’s story

Laura explores what it’s really like to live with psychosis, and how her symptoms of paranoia, fear and hallucinations led to crisis point. With the support from a crisis house, her wellness box and her therapist, Laura is rebuilding her life again.

I was first diagnosed with psychotic depression in my early teens. I’m in my late thirties now, and have experienced multiple episodes of both psychosis and depression. My diagnosis is being reassessed and is moving towards schizoaffective disorder, and I was also diagnosed with autism in adulthood. This has had a huge impact on my ability to understand the world and make sense of my mental illness.

For me, the predominant feeling during psychosis is fear. I am afraid of everyone and everything. I don’t think society understands that for the majority of people who experience psychosis, fear is how they experience the world. A psychotic person is generally most dangerous towards themselves, and that was certainly true for me.

I hear voices and have visual hallucinations. I believe there is a monster living inside my head who wants to kill me. I see spiders and other bugs emerging from the floor, ceiling and other places where there wouldn’t be anything. Sometimes, I see shadow people.

I get very paranoid, believing I’m being watched and that there are people following me. When I am very unwell, I believe birds are being used by the military to spy on me and that magpies can foretell the outcome of my day.

In the early days, depression and psychosis used to happen together and my hallucinations weren’t as terrifying as they are now. As I’ve gotten older, the psychosis has evolved and become more distressing. It has separated from my depressive episodes, so now episodes of psychosis are followed by an episode of depression.

To try and cope with my symptoms, I have self-harmed and attempted suicide. I’ve been in hospital twice and spent time in a crisis house. Intervention in the crisis house has saved my life several times and gave me the space to begin getting well again.

People don’t talk about how psychosis destroys all the good things in your life or the long uphill struggle to rebuild it again. The crisis house provided a safe place where I could start getting to grips with my life again, as well as understanding the effect my symptoms were having on me. It isn’t like being in hospital - I was able to still retain my independence and autonomy, while working with support staff who were compassionate and understanding.

One of the ways I keep myself well is by having a ‘wellness box’. My autism compounds the feelings of anxiety that come with psychosis and depression. When the anxiety gets overwhelming, my box allow me to calm down again. I have a variety of things that are relevant to the senses in my box - fidget toys, squishy balls, a notebook, coloured pens, some caffeine-free tea, chocolate and a soft toy, as well as lists of breathing techniques and my safety plan.

My box also reminds me of what I’m like when I’m well. I had some professional photographs taken of me when I was well, to remind myself that it is possible and to give myself something to work towards when things are dark.

I left work to give myself the space to get better without the pressure of having to do so on a timescale. That has been really helpful. At the moment, I’m having EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) therapy – the latest in a long line of therapies – and I’m on medication. Both of these are essential to my recovery.

I’m on the road to getting well again. I look to the future with hope for myself. As my therapist is keen to remind me, I have survived 100% of my darkest days and will continue to do so.