“Everyone has disappeared since I became unwell” - Jade’s story
25/09/2024
A stock photo has been used on this blog at the request of the author
Two years ago, Jade developed psychosis for the first time. She shares her experiences of stigma and discrimination whilst working in healthcare and at university.
I’m 27 and have been diagnosed with severe major depressive disorder, psychosis and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I work as an NHS healthcare professional, and my illness began around September 2022. I was feeling very stressed with personal circumstances, university and working full-time.
I started to become withdrawn, anxious and paranoid. I was hearing voices and being followed by squirrels who’d comment on my daily activities. I stopped eating and drinking, worried my food was being poisoned, but I was too scared to tell anyone. I’d leave my car engine running on the main road, unlocked without realising, and kept losing everything.
At work, I’d stay in my clinical room because I was too scared to go to the break room. I didn’t want anyone to find out about the squirrels and the voices. I was suspicious my colleagues were secretly going to poison me and thought they could read my mind. I was also transferring money to colleagues without realising, sending incoherent emails, getting muddled with my calendar, telling the time and organising papers.
-
Ex-colleagues no longer speak to me and it feels like everyone has disappeared since I became unwell.
I felt excluded, alone and frightened. Ex-colleagues stopped communicating with me. Everyone was telling me I wasn’t well, but I didn’t understand it at the time.
It has been so confusing to know the full extent of what occurred whilst I was unwell. I’m still picking up the pieces and uncovering things that have happened. It has been difficult to accept that I’ve been unwell and to deal with the stigma associated with mental illness, especially as a healthcare professional.
Ex-colleagues no longer speak to me and it feels like everyone has disappeared since I became unwell. I don’t think it’s my colleagues’ fault - although they likely know my behaviour was erratic, that I wasn’t the ‘normal’ Jade, they don’t understand the full extent of what was happening inside my mind.
But I do feel as though I must hide my mental health issues, especially as a healthcare professional, because some colleagues unfortunately still hold stigmatising attitudes. I don’t want people to think I’m not capable of doing my job or that I’m ‘dangerous’.
-
I was really unwell and needed support, not unkind comments which destroyed my self-esteem and confidence.
Whilst I was unwell, I remember my course director at university had sent internal emails to other members of staff telling them to ‘not meet me alone’; that I have ‘a significant mental illness’; that all ‘conversations should be documented’; that I’m ‘manipulative’ and ‘troublesome’.
In reality, I was really unwell and needed support, not unkind comments which destroyed my self-esteem and confidence. The comments made me feel like I don’t fit in society; that other people think I’m dangerous. When I was at my lowest, it worsened my suicidal thoughts. I still haven’t been allowed to return to my university studies just yet, but I hope to soon.
Recovery has been difficult. Not only has it been hard to come to terms with what happened to me, I’m frightened it’ll happen again because of the disruption and devastation it has caused to my life.
I wish I could tell people that no one chooses to have a mental illness and that everyone deserves to feel included in society. Just because I have different experiences when I’m unwell, it doesn’t mean you need to be frightened of me.