“Psychosis is like a foreign country” – Tom’s story

A stock photo has been used on this blog at the request of the author. 

After a long history with psychosis, Tom celebrates five years since his last episode. He reflects on his symptoms, the positive changes he has made to recover and his exciting journey into mental health nursing.

This summer of 2024 marks five years since the last time I suffered from a psychotic episode. I say this with immense pride because, at one stage, it felt as if my life was slipping into a dreadful cycle: illness, hospital, recovery, repeat.

From nineteen through to twenty-three, I was sectioned three times. I spent a Christmas in hospital and a birthday. I’d estimate that in total I’ve spent about ten months being treated on various mental health wards.

These periods of illness had profound effects on me. Connecting with others became difficult as my self-esteem waned. I labelled myself “the guy who’d been sectioned”, as if I was tarnished and different from everyone else.

I began to feel that psychosis is like a foreign country – if you haven’t been there yourself, it’s impossible to fully understand and picture. I let my experiences define my character and I would often overshare with anyone who would listen, trying to feel heard and acknowledged. I saw myself as a failure, someone who’d never make a positive go of life.

It's very difficult to convey the reality of psychosis with words. I believed that my mind was being read, that those around me could see my thoughts. This deprived me of any feelings of privacy - the deepest and darkest parts of my mind were on show, leaving me feeling self-conscious and exposed.

I always became very paranoid when unwell. I believed that some of those around me, whether on the ward or out in the community, were undercover operatives working for a mysterious agency of some kind. I thought I was being followed. I didn’t know what they wanted with me, but I was sure that I was at the centre of their agenda.

I tended to label people “good” and “bad,” “friend” or “foe”, based sometimes just on their facial expressions and their manner of speaking. I would study someone’s body language – was their posture open, friendly and relaxed, or were they tense and anxious and defensive? Details like these allowed me to decide who I could trust and who I couldn’t.

One of the hardest parts of an admission has always been when I’ve begun to recover. The reality of what has happened starts to sink in - I’d realise that I’ve had a breakdown that I need to bounce back from somehow. As I emerged from a lengthy admission the third time round, I decided that I would do everything in my power never to relapse again. 

This meant making some massive lifestyle changes. I reinvented my relationship with medication and put my trust in the hands of my psychiatrist. It’s been five years and I still take the tablets prescribed to me.

I stopped smoking marijuana. For years I’d been a heavy, daily user. In between admissions, I’d convince myself that weed wasn’t the problem and inevitably relapse. Eventually I learned my lesson and I’m now five years clean. Nowadays, when I notice the scent in the air occasionally, I remind myself of how much healthier I am without it.

Around two years into my recovery, with the gentle persuasion of my family, I made the decision to become a mental health nurse. I was offered a place at my local university and soon began the three-year course. 

I felt anxious that I wouldn’t cope or that my lived experience would hinder me somehow. But the opposite was true. My story has been valued and cherished by many off the staff I’ve worked alongside. The course has allowed for healing in a way I didn’t know possible.

At the time of writing this piece, I am looking forward to starting my first nursing role in around two weeks upon qualifying. This feels surreal and a little scary. But I can’t wait to begin this next chapter.

No longer do I label myself “damaged goods”. No longer will I allow psychosis to determine the course of my life. I will use my experience for the benefit of others and dedicate my career getting alongside those who are in the position I once was in.