“I’m still me” – Hilary’s story

Hilary has experienced social anxiety disorder for the last thirty years. With the help from her loved ones and support worker, Hilary is now living a fulfilling life, enjoying getting out of the house and doing things she was once very fearful of.

I’m a Clinical Support Worker at an Emergency Department in Nottingham. When I was well enough to return to work, I was determined to make some good of what I’d gone through. Things have improved massively since then, and finally I’m living a normal life. My aim is to help raise awareness of mental health issues. Hopefully, if anyone is struggling with their mental health, then this will encourage them to speak up. 

For the last 30 years or so, I’ve struggled a lot in many ways. I have social anxiety disorder, which was only diagnosed a few years ago. It is not a case of ‘just being shy’, but an extreme fear of certain, everyday situations. 

Think of your own biggest fear: is it the thought of a spider nearby, or being at the top of a ladder, or going out in the dark? Well, one of my biggest fears is the thought of going into Tesco alone. Or the thought of walking to the post box alone to post a letter or card! I dread to think how many birthday cards I haven’t sent in the past. 

To most people, this condition is unheard of and to others, it may seem totally irrational. On the other hand, there is the possibility that someone reading this may also be struggling, but is fearful of speaking up. Well, don’t be. I’m not ashamed to tell you about what I’ve gone through and neither should any of you.

Social anxiety disorder works like this: you’re convinced that in normal everyday situations, people are being critical of you, viewing or judging you in a negative way. It is not shyness or paranoia, it is a serious mental health condition that impacts your life in so many ways.

For instance, in past holidays when my kids were young, I could only go in the pool with them if there weren’t many people around. On long car journeys, by the time we’d reach our destination, my bladder would feel like it’d burst because I haven’t been able to walk to the loo at the service station.

I have to sometimes see the funny side though, such as the time when I went out for a cuppa with my support worker. I ordered a coffee. When an empty mug was brought over to me though, and I realised I had to get up and go to the coffee machine, I had this overwhelming fear come over me. There was no way I could do it. The thought of doing a skydive was easier!

I’m in a job where I wear a uniform and work in an extremely busy environment. It’s almost like I can hide when I’m in my uniform because if people are looking at me, then it’s probably because they want to ask a question or to know what’s happening. They can’t see the real me. This enables me to do my job. 

Going back a few years, my mental health really took a nosedive. I’d always tried to hide my struggles, but felt I had hit a brick wall and there was nowhere to run. I started to feel like I had no place in society and that I was a waste of space. I started to have thoughts of suicide. For as long as I can remember, I was often on a short fuse, angry a lot of the time, falling out with folk. I was angry with the world. 

When things got really bad, it was recognised at work and it was time to admit I had a real problem. One night, I was so overwhelmed with feelings of despair that I was almost to the point of suicide. I was brought to A&E and spent two nights in a mental health unit. I was at rock bottom. It was there that I got my diagnosis.

Fast forward to today. I have a very supportive family and senior colleagues. I’ve had a huge amount of help from a fantastic support worker, Kerisa, who works with Nottingham Healthcare Trust. The last couple of years have changed me. I’m a much calmer person, appreciate life so much more and really want to help others.

With support, I’ve reached certain goals. I can order a coffee and get one instead of paying for an empty cup! I’m receiving what is called ‘graded exposure therapy’. This really is changing my life. I can even go in Tesco alone now and get a few items. My next step is getting a trolley full!

I’m still me, still the person who likes a laugh and does the daftest things without even trying. Life today is amazing. I can do so many things alone such as catching a bus, eating in a restaurant, going to a concert, even doing a live TV interview.

I often think to myself “I wish I’d asked for help all those years ago”. But the important thing now is that it’s no secret. I’m so grateful for the help I’m getting, so that everyday life will become less of a struggle. There’s no shame in admitting you need help. Tell someone you need to talk. Don’t feel you have failed. It takes guts to ask for help and you should feel proud that you have. It was almost too late for me.