“He thought his daughter was in danger with me” – Kaz’s story

After experiencing mental illness for most of her life, Kaz was brought to crisis point. She shares how stigma and negative stereotyping disrupted her relationship with her brother and housemate. 

I've struggled with my mental health for most of my life but have found a medium plateau (for now). When I was 9 years old, I was bullied for being different. My dad used to use a meditation style to help me sleep at night and he told me that as I got older, I'd find more people like me.  

However, now at 34, I've always felt on the edge of friendship groups. I’ve not kept in touch with anyone from school, college, university, mainly because their lives moved on and I was left behind. Between the age of 19 and 22, my mental illness was at crisis level. I made several attempts on my own life and found myself in a very dark space.  

I stayed with my parents to recover a few times during this period and helped them to care for my brother’s young daughter. I took her to the local play park a few times to give my parents some respite. I'd carry her on my shoulders as we'd sing various nursery rhymes on the way to and from the park.  

After a couple of trips, my mum received a very angry phone call from my brother who didn't want his daughter anywhere near me. It was very upsetting that he thought his daughter was in danger with me. In all honesty, I've never wanted to hurt anyone but myself.  

After that phone call, my brother 'disowned' me. I wasn't allowed to be alone with his daughter or in his house. If we did meet on the street, he wouldn't even acknowledge my presence. This broke my heart and even though things are a bit better now, I still feel like I'm constantly walking on egg shells whenever we’re together.  

I’ve been a brain tumour survivor for 25 years and despite various diagnoses, I truly believe that my mental illnesses are linked with the tumour. Having experienced both physical and mental illness, I’ve found it much easier to disclose physical ailments with colleagues and friends than my mental health issues. I'm aware that the stigma of cancer has been mostly overcome and I hope one day, we can say the same with mental illnesses. 

I've had people tell me that “it's not the end of the world”, to “turn that frown upside-down”, and question why I'm so grumpy, which is incredibly insensitive. If anything, that makes me feel worse.  

When I attempted suicide in a shared house, one housemate became scared of me, thinking I’d be violent towards her. I wish there was more understanding about mental illnesses. I have no desire to harm anyone but myself and it triggers more self hatred when people reject me, thinking I want to hurt them.  

A few years ago, I went through an intensive therapeutic group course and have gained many tools to manage my mental health and wellbeing. Since then, the symptoms of my brain tumour have worsened, so I’m still unemployed. I spend most of my time sewing and crocheting along with other crafts. This helps me to feel like I have a purpose in life, and gives me patience as well as delayed gratification. 

I’ve also studied many online courses regarding mental illness and skills to aid recovery and broaden my understanding. I hope to help others who are struggling, as well as give a better understanding of what we’re going through to the wider public.