“I have come so far” – Sophie’s story

Sophie explores her journey with schizophrenia, touching on the value of electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) and Rethink Mental Illness’ Advice and Information Service.

I started life with a normal childhood. A happy, stable home, a good school, good friends. But at around 15, the turbulent years began. I had one thing after the other, with no break in between. I developed chronic migraines, my parents split up, had my first toxic relationship, developed seizures, lost most of my friends who became my biggest bullies overnight. I had to repeat my year at college which meant all of the friends I had left went to university and I spent 99% of my time alone.

I developed depression and anxiety, but it was 2015 that sealed the deal for my mental health. Within the first 70 days of the year, my friend killed herself, I was sexually assaulted and my best friend died suddenly in an accident. During this time, I had an abusive boyfriend who made my life hell.  

That summer, I fell in love with the man who is now my husband. He was the first to show me genuine kindness. I’d never had a healthy relationship until this point and it was terrifying, but he spent every day trying to gain my trust. We went to the same city for university, but it was there that my schizophrenia began. 

My depression started to rapidly worsen. I didn’t go to university at all, not once. I stopped eating and looking after myself properly; wouldn’t shower, brush my teeth, get dressed. My room was a state - mouldy food and drinks everywhere. My flatmates hated me.

My antidepressants were increased, but a junior doctor told me I was too young to be on that high of a dose. When my GP refused to prescribe the meds, something in my brain clicked. Suddenly, I knew the truth: my doctor was trying to kill me. That’s why all of the bad things had happened. People were coming after my loved ones and hurting them to get me to die. And if I died everyone would be safe.

I was terrified, immediately started calling my loved ones, telling them to keep their doors locked. There were so many voices shouting, I felt like I was in a train station at rush hour, rather than alone in my flat. It was so overwhelming, physically painful.

I can’t really remember what happened next. I struggle to remember the psychosis. My husband took me to hospital and I was put under the crisis team, but had to be looked after by my parents.

With very little local support available, my loved ones relied on leaflets and online resources to understand what was going on and how to support me. My family and friends used Rethink Mental Illness’ online resourses such as the ‘hearing voices’ and ‘understanding self harm’ factsheets, as well as guidance for friends and family on how to support a loved one with schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder.

Several diagnoses were suggested: schizoaffective disorder, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, major depressive disorder with psychosis, complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). After 12 different medications, 3 months in an acute mental health clinic, hundreds of hours of therapy and several suicide attempts, I was diagnosed with treatment resistant schizophrenia, major depressive disorder and C-PTSD.

At this point, my psychiatrist suggested electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). I was terrified. I imagined being forcibly strapped down to a table, screaming as they electrocuted my brain, like every depiction of ECT I’d seen on TV. I was horrified, but reluctantly agreed knowing something had to change. 

ECT isn’t fun, but it’s not what you imagine. Nowadays, patients provide written consent and are put under general anaesthetic. The voltages used are much lower and better targeted. I had three sessions a week for five weeks. I don’t remember those months at all. The memory loss is still significant, however I can say without a doubt that ECT saved my life.

Suddenly medications worked! Treatment worked! The voices quietened. I could read again. I had myself back. I hadn’t felt that well in years! I applied to go to my dream university for my dream course and got in!

This year, I graduated, winning an academic prize. I look forward to my Masters and PHD. I’m married, surrounded by many true amazing friends. I have come so far. It hasn’t been linear, I’ve had ups and downs. I still have psychosis and depressive symptoms, but I did it! I did it.

I’m not a broken shell of a person, but I’m also not the person I was before all of this. I had to grieve her. That version of me is gone forever, but the version I’ve rebuilt has accomplished so much and I’m proud of her.