“I’m finally at peace with myself” – Shak’s story

Shak shares his long journey with bipolar affective disorder. After volunteering at our Derbyshire Recovery and Peer Support Service (DRPSS) last year, he now works in peer support full-time, using his lived experience to help others.

I was diagnosed with bipolar affective disorder in 2007. I felt so helpless. Everything was scary, the negative thoughts would block the positive ones and it was a constant battle. I still remember how worried and upset my lovely friends and family were, thinking that this was it. My worst fear was that I’d stay in that state forever.

I remember when I hit total rock bottom during the worst depressive episode I’ve ever had after my father passed away. He was the strongest man I’ve ever known and it was very hard to watch him deteriorate so quickly, not being able to do a thing. We weren’t ready to let go of him so soon. I couldn't cope and was sectioned.

There was a time when I was admitted to hospital for 3 months in London, which was very far from home. No visitors came and I had too much time to think. I promised myself that if I survived the hell I was stuck in and got back home, I’d try my best to look after myself, help others and never go back to hospital. 

I’ve proudly not had a relapse for over 8 years and I’m managing my health carefully. I needed to change, better my life and get back on track. There is no pain worse than when your child asks you to play with them, and you physically and mentally can’t. I was totally incapacitated. This broke my heart and was a wakeup call. 

I’ve always believed in the law of marginal gains, and every day I’d try to do something a bit better, no matter how big or small. I wanted to get better and was tired of being stuck in the cycle of anxiety, depression and mania. 

I wanted my family to be proud of me. They were always there when I came out of the dark and life started again. Many people came and went when I was ill, but it didn't matter because I was left with the best people in the world who I knew genuinely cared for me. Having bipolar turned into a blessing. I quickly realised that if I looked after myself, I could look after everyone dear to me. I’m now in a great position to help others and feel like I’m much stronger.

I was extremely lucky to find the Derbyshire Recovery and Peer Support Service (DRPSS) just over a year ago in 2023, where I started volunteering as a facilitator for a self-help peer led group. I used the knowledge I gained about managing my own mental health to help people in similar situations and show them the best ways to cope, maintain and have better mental health. 

I currently work as a Wellbeing Coach with the Living Well Derbyshire Project. From being bedridden for five years to a voluntary role, a part-time role, then a full-time role has just been mind-blowing. I still find it hard to believe. I feel that I’m in the right place, at the right time. I have been blessed to help people who are in financial crisis, homeless or in need of legal advice, as well as many other hurdles which have had a negative effect on their mental health. 

For me this is not just a job, it is a passion. To finally have a purpose and watch someone getting their life back is a very beautiful thing. It has taught me the true value of people and life. At times the work can be triggering if you have the same mental illness as the person you’re supporting, but I remember how lucky I am to be helping them. 

Since working here, my confidence has grown. I have my identity back. I’m finally at peace with myself and have come to terms with my illness. Each day is a new canvas and it’s so great to be a part of such a beautiful service. Lived experience is priceless and very powerful. This is just the beginning for me.