“Living a positive and bright life” – Ben’s story

Ben accessed Rethink Mental Illness’ Mendos service during his time in the criminal justice system. For Time to Talk Day, he reflects on the first conversation he had about his mental health.

To begin my journey, we must go back to 28 February 2023. This was the day I was arrested, and I describe this day as the worst and best day of my life. Worst because of course no one wants to be arrested, and best because it marked the start of my journey to becoming the best version of myself. 

After coming home, I confessed what I’d done to my parents. This was the hardest  but bravest thing I could do. It helped relieve a weight I had on my shoulders for many years; one I allowed to increase, as I did not know how to reach for help until I was forced to with the arrest.

For the next 2 weeks, I suffered a complete mental breakdown due to guilt, shame and anger at myself for not trusting my parents and not asking for help when I first noticed the signs of my declining health. My mind was  consumed with negative and dark thoughts, up to the point where I almost took my own life as I felt my parents should not have to suffer with a disgraceful son.

It was at this point that I told my parents I need go to the hospital to talk to someone, as the thoughts were becoming too much to bear. I feared I would succeed in taking my life if left any longer. My parents took me to the hospital and this was the first time I truly talked to someone about how I was feeling; my fears of being a bad person and all of the negative, dark thoughts that were swirling around in my head.

What was significant about this meeting was what the mental health consultant said to me after listening to my story: “you don’t sound like a bad, evil person, but someone who lost their way and made a mistake.” Those words were like a bucket of water being splashed in my face. For the first time since my arrest, I felt awake and a small glimmer of hope that there was life worth living for.

After this meeting, I met with my doctor and they referred me to a charity called UOK. After having a few weekly meetings, I started to make progress in terms of rebuilding my mental state. This was when I found Rethink Mental Illness’ Mendos service. When my last session with UOK ended, I would transfer to Mendos with the goal of continuing that emotional support, and having a space where I could relieve any thoughts I was having.

I will always stress that Wendy from the Mendos service truly saved my life. We had weekly meetings for nearly a year, which continued all the way through my process of the criminal justice system, from police interviews to court and post-court. The advice, and having that space to talk about things I would not with loved ones, was an essential piece of developing my positive outlook on life. I truly consider Mendos and Wendy my saviours, and I hope to repay the help they gave me by living a positive and bright life.

I can wholeheartedly say that I have never felt better mentally, physically and spiritually. For the first time in my life, I am at peace. I look forward to making more positive changes in my life, so that my actions resonant with my favourite quote: “Your past does not define your future and always remember how far you have come”. I’ve put this quote on a bracelet that I wear all the time.

Once again, I want to thank the mental health consultant who woke me up, Gavin from UOK for helping me rebuild my mental state, and Wendy from Mendos for being my guide and support throughout the hardest part of my journey.