“I felt like such a failure” – Emma’s story

Although Emma was excited about her newborn, she developed postnatal depression after a traumatic birth and found her eating disorder symptoms creep back up. With support from a postnatal charity, she is now in a safer place.

Thinking becoming a mum would be a wonderful experience, I was so excited getting everything I needed together to become a mum, and counting down the days to my maternity leave and due date.

Among the busy days of excitement, challenges happened too: the stress of trying to sell our 2 bedroom flat and buy a house, my husband getting stressed and smashing plates if there was a dirty cup in the sink or something not in the "right place". I put his behaviour down to the stress of becoming a parent or moving house.

Finally the big day arrived and our daughter was born. But the birth was extremely traumatic. The labour was long and the baby got stuck. When my baby finally arrived, that "sudden rush of love" didn't happen.

I felt like such a failure. 

We were in hospital several days and I tried breastfeeding, but a doctor ordered me to stop as I was on epilepsy medication.  His comments left me panicking that I’d poisoned my baby. I urged them to contact my neurologist who told me I was on a safe medication. But I was pressured to bottle feed my baby.

The months that followed was a rollercoaster. We moved into our house when the baby was 6 weeks old. She cried so much and my husband’s challenging behaviour continued too.

Then I had to go back to work, but they couldn't cope with my mental health issues. Binging and exercising was my only coping mechanism. My eating disorder was taking a grip on me after many years of yoyo dieting since my early teens.

When my baby was 8 months old, I hit breaking point. I tried to end my life as a voice was urging me, saying I was worthless and should jump under the bus outside. But suddenly a sign urged me to look at the paper open on the table. I saw an article about postnatal depression and the charity, Mothers for Mothers. 

I cried on the helpline number for an hour and the lady urged me to come to their support group at a local church with my baby. They were amazing. I got the support I needed and met mums who had been there. I got help for my eating disorder, my borderline personality disorder (BPD) and to get to a safer place.

I’m feeling brighter now, using my challenges to help others by fundraising for epilepsy and mental health charities which are close to my heart. I donate mental health packs along with my book, as I hope to make it accessible to every teenager and everyone else it could help.

I hope to share my story to let as many people as possible know they are not alone and that there are charities out there to help them.