“I’ve learnt and am still learning to embrace my grief” – Karen’s story

For World Suicide Prevention Day, Karen shares her experience of losing her husband to suicide. With the patience and understanding of her support worker from our Swindon & Wiltshire Support After Suicide Service, Karen has been able to better process her grief.

My darling husband lost his battle with his mental health on the 6^th January and I was all over the place. I had no idea what I needed to do or what support was available to me and, to be honest, I wasn’t thinking about me. I was consumed by sadness, full of questions and guilt as to why I couldn’t have saved him.

Until 8^th Jan 2024, I’d never heard of Rethink Mental Illness and had no idea of the services, support and help they could provide. When their initial call came, I didn’t have the head space for it; was very suspicious and unsure of how the person on the end of the phone had got my details. I don’t remember a lot from that first call, other than the fact they’d call me back in a few days and send an email with what help they could provide.

That second call came and again I wasn’t really taking anything in other than Jordan’s kind, calm voice reassuring me that when I was ready, Rethink would be there; that they wouldn’t let me slip through the gaps and would call again

After a couple of weeks, I was in a place to pay more attention. I got round to reading the email Jordan had sent and decided this was something I should definitely embrace. I needed to understand my feelings, emotions and frustrations. I needed to talk to someone who understood exactly what I was going through, but who wasn’t emotionally attached to me. 

I didn’t want to talk to someone who learnt their craft from a book, who would tell me that ‘it’s been x number of weeks/months/years, so you should now feel like this or be doing that', yet hadn’t experienced what I had. I had so much going on in my head and had such wonderful support from friends and family, however they were all hurting too, I didn’t want to add to their pain.

Having Jordan to talk to on a weekly basis was such a relief. He understood everything I was going through because of his own person experience and provided much needed reassurance that everything I was feeling was normal.

Jordan also explained grief to me. Until this point, I hadn’t really lost anyone unexpectedly, so I thought grief was something you just got over in a few months and then got on with life. I understand now just how wrong I’d been.

I’ve learnt and am still learning to embrace my grief and build my life around it. When I’m having a tough time, I’m kind to myself, but I also know it’s okay to smile and to laugh; have a nice time and not feel guilty. I can only do these things and have come as far as I have with the help of Jordan and the fantastic charity that is Rethink.

I hope and wish for no one else to ever be in my situation, but sadly I know there’ll be more people who have to grieve someone they love and lost to their mental health.

I know and understand I still have a very long journey ahead of me. But I feel more confident in dealing with what my emotions may throw at me because of what I’ve learnt from Jordan.  

I can’t thank Rethink and Jordan enough for the help they’ve provided. I hope in the future I am strong enough to help others in the same situation as I found myself in.

I miss everything about my husband and always will, but I know I need to find the strength to carry on for us both. He was and still is my world.